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 Escaping

3-chinese-art-painting-girl.preview

At the previous post I said that my primary language is dutch, but I’m chinese. I can speak and listen to mandarin and cantonese. Writing and reading is another story. My chinese characters is limited to only 200. Here is another pic of AN Ning.

Just as I was thinking about my escape my mom (real mother) entered the room.

“Ning Er ( Er after a name means little, it’s a close form of calling someone), you’ll be going to live in the palace in two months. Do you remember the rules I taught you. You must  always remember that the palace is a place full of rules. The less you speak, think and do is the better. Do you understand? “

I thought to myself why I just don’t be a doll, without thinking and doing nothing. Just be everyone’s puppet.

“You know you’re my hope. After all that I’ve suffered all this years. You must take revenge for me. You must make me the envy of everyone.”

Why don’t you take revenge yourself? I don’t see that you’ve suffered at all. You monopolized my father’s love. Get everything you want except being his wife. You’re better than Da Niang.

“You’re so lucky to be chosen to be the empress. We’ve the same blood but why are you so lucky. I can’t even get to be a wife.”
You’re in every way a wife except in name. What more do you want. I wish I were you.

Through all her ranting I kept silent and smiling. If I said something she’ll rant more.

“Niang you’re beautiful and A ma (a ma is what people with rank call their fathers) loves you. Why do you keep fighting him for a useless title.”

“Ning Er you’re still young and don’t understand. A woman without a title is nothing more than trash. You’ll be empress so you’ll never understand what it’s to have everyone trample over you.”

“Everyone treats you with respect. No one dare to trample over you.”

“In my face they’re all nice but behind my back they’re laughing at me for being a slut. Especially your da niang. All nice in front of others but she’s a cunning fox.”

“Niang, why do you always say bad thing about Da niang. Da niang is very nice to us. She even lets you give birth in this manor.”

“That’s why she’s cunning. Kind-hearted in front of everyone but black-hearted behind our backs. Sometimes I wonder whose daughter you are. But you must remember that even a tiger mom won’t eat her cubs.”

With those words she left. I sat on the chair pouring myself tea. Why does she want to make everything so complicated? What revenge? I know that sometimes mother can be evil. She once tried to poison me. I was eight. I knew there was poison in the porridge. I was going to eat it even though I know about the poison. She stopped me using the excuse that it was dirty because the maid forgot to wash her hands. She couldn’t bring herself to harm me. After that she turned cold to me. When we’re together she only says one or two words to me. But when it’s my birthday or when something important happen to me there’s always my favorite dishes on the table. She knows what I like to eat. Even my mom doesn’t know that. She turned cold to me maybe because she doesn’t want to care for me. But she didn’t realize she already does. Why can’t we live in harmony?

For me harmony is first. That’s why I always stay quite even if I’ve got much to say. It’s not that I’m not lively. I just don’t want problems. With my brother I played pranks and I don’t hide anything from him. It’s just that the world of the older generation is so complicated and I can’t say anything about it.

My mom doesn’t want me to have any thoughts in the palace and stay quite. She doesn’t need to worry cause I’m already doing that here. I don’t want to live a life in silence. She said I’m lucky. How’s that lucky? I’m just a person with a shell without a soul. Do I really want a life like that? I can’t do anything against it. If I marry the crown prince, the rest of my life will feel like a prisoner.

Then something wonderful occurred to me. If I need to be a prisoner for the rest of my life, why don’t I have fun when I still can? I called my maid Lian Er, told her my plan to escape. She doesn’t agree. She’s full of worries.
“Who was the one that saved you from that bad guy and take you away? Who was the one who stood for you when you were bullied by the other maids? Who is the one that took care of you when you’re sick even though I’m your master? Who send your little brother to school?”

“Stop! I know. I’ll help you”, she said sulking.

I smirked. Even though I’m not the loud type, I’ve always gotten everything I want. It does feel nice to manipulate people. At times like this I understand why my father wants power.

She finished packing my clothes. I took my jewelry chest. Took some jewelry.

“You’re not thinking of selling them, are you?”

“Of course. We can’t survive without money.”

“That’s why this is a bad idea. What if Master knows that you sold your jewelries? He’ll kill you.”

“He’ll kill me when he discovers that I ran away. Do you think that he’ll remember my jewelries?”

I checked everything. When everything was ready, gone was I.

Coment: Real mother = mom= niang

Legitimate wife = mother = da niang

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