I was somewhat depressed and stressed today since the moment the grades where out. So I went on a search for studies and work. There really isn’t any work which don’t require at least one degree. That’s the first thing they ask for. Got sadder then.

The universities here work like this: you apply for it and needs to get the first year. A year has 60 scores. Some university will let you pass with 42 or more scores. If you pass the fiest year then you can stay at the university as long as you want till you get the bachelor. If you fail the first year, the you are forbidden to apply for the same study at the university for the next three years. You may apply for the same study at a different university.

I looked through studies that are interesting. My interest lay in math, science and management organisation. When I was in high school those three were my best subjects. I hate writing academic reports. But every study will have at least three academic reports.

Since I did three studies and failed them, I began to doubt if I’m college material. I took some IQ test from professional sites. My IQ range from 115 to 124 which is normal for college. So my brains are alright. The point is I really don’t know which study I want to do. I’m a bit afraid to fail again. 

I’m thinking of applying for the same study at a different university. They are more lenient. I can pass the first year with 42 scores. I’ m afraid that I may get bored since I did most of the things. Their schedule is a bit different from my current university but still many things are the same. If I get bored I think I’ll not be motivated to learn.

Applying for a whole new study is a bit scary since I don’t know what I’m getting. I only have till the beginning of august to apply. So time is also running out for me to search through the studies.

I also search many jobs today. Part-time as well as fulltime. As for the full-times, every one of them require a degree. The part-times are a bit better. They require experience and sometime you don’t need a degree. The problem is I also don’t have experience. I still applied to two of them. I really want to work freelance, so I can do everything at my own time. But there isn’t many work for freelancers which doesn’t require a degree.

Looking back at the past three years, I think I failed because I did everything last-minute. I just study a week or less for multiple exams. Even I am impressed how I still got so many subjects. The other times, I did nothing else than play around. I think I can do it only if I had put more time in the study.

Last year when I had relation problems, I got more unmotivated to study. I fooled myself that everything will be alright. I didn’t search for help which was really stupid of me. I should have gone to the psychologist at the university and talked about how I don’t have any motivation to study. Maybe then I would have put more time in studying.

Now I finally woke up but the chance to stay is gone. There’s never a take two in life. And I can never go back in time.