First, thank you all for your encouragement and good wishes.

My mood fluctuated this past week so much. One time I was sad and one time I didn’t really care anymore. I lost seven pounds since everything I eat, I will throw them up the moment I wake up. My mother even thought I was having morning sickness. I went to the doctor, she said that it’s probably because of stress. I got medicine but I have to admit I’m not faithfully taking them.

The past week I thought very much about what I want to do with my life and how I want to live for the next forty years. My conclusion is that I will continue to study no matter how hard it’ll be. Even if I have to run away from home, I’ll do it. I will be like one of the comments which said to study like there’s no tomorrow.

I found two studies which I like very much: Economics and law, ICT and economics. I don’t know which one to do yet, cause the two seem very interesting. Economics and law is two hour with the train from my home, so I don’t really know if I can keep it up for three years. Going back and forth. But I can also study in the train which will make up for the time I will lose if I just sit in the train. I even think it’ll be better since in the train, I’ll be forced to do homework, while at home there are so many other things to do. There are also many jobs for Economics and law student with 85% students finding a job after they finished the study.

ICT and economics is more math and half hour ride with the train, but since it’s a fairly new study, the jobs perspective aren’t as good as that of Economic and law. If I need to choose without considering any other factors and based solely on the study, I will chose ICT and economics since it’s just my thing. Math, economics and behind a computer. But I also need to think about my future. It’s no use if I finish a study and can’t even find a job.

Today I went to speak with the adviser at school. She said, she can try to help me talk to the people from the commission to let me stay, but I shouldn’t get my hopes too high up, since it’s rarely that they relent. I will be happy if they let me stay.  I will then do my best for the next year, but if they don’t I most probably will be a bit sad, but after one week I already accepted the fact that I probably will need to find a new study.

A friend of mine graduated with high grades. I really wanted to congratulate her with all my heart. I’m happy for her. But when I saw her, I couldn’t help but think about myself. Why didn’t I study hard like her? Why did I waste so much time? I was a bit down. I still went to her, pasted a smile on my face, embraced her and said congratulations. But deep inside me, I felt so fake. I wasn’t happy but pretended to be happy. What I wanted to do was just go home, but I stayed throughout it with a smile on my face. Although a fake smile. I’m really happy for her. She helped me so much these past two years, it’s just that my mood couldn’t get happy. It’s not her fault, it’s my problem. I told myself then that I need to get myself together and get over it. I can also do it. This low point of my life will  pass eventually and time will prove everything. As time flies it will also heal everything.

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