While anxiously waiting for the final results, I got into another quarrel with my parents.
They say it’s alteady been four years and I did nothing in those four years. If I know how much money someone could make in four years. Of course I know that but it’s not like I wanted it to happen.
The worst part is that my father always blame my mother for every f*** bad thing that happens. Why she didn’t watch over us better and why she let us do this and that. She also works full tume, so it’s not like she can do anything about us. I really wanted to tell him that he is wrong too. But of course I didn’t dare.
And he always bring back my ‘bad’ past. Like how I party too much and go out too much. I don’t think I party too much. 2 or 3 times a year. I do go out to dinner or shopping once or twice a month. He thinks that I just need to study. He also brought back my last relationship with that bastard who deceived 4000 from me. The things he say about that are so ugly to the ears.
I can’t say anything back because I’m at wrong. I didn’t study cause my motivation was gone. In fact for the past half year, after I broke up, I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t go out, didn’t go meet with friends and didn’t even want to get out of my bed. I lost myself. After I got back on my toes, I studied like crazy, but still didn’t make it.
He said he didn’t see any remorse in me. I don’t know how to show remorse. How do you show it? Everyday waiting for the final result felt like hell. I want that day to come but at the same time I hope that day will never come. I feel regret that I wasted so much time and that I didn’t do anything.
I don’t know how to let him know that I’ll do my best and I’ll change. He has that idea in his mind that I can’t change and that studying to me is just an excuse to not go working. I can’t even blame him because after four years, even I don’t believe in myself anymore.
Tomorrow I’ll have a talk with the advisers of both studies I want to do. I hope that I’m suited for one of them. I really want three years to pass quickly so I can have my degree and doesn’t need to hear anything anymore.
FYI I’m really inexperience so there are so many things I don’t know in this world (please correct me if I say sth wrong) . I can understand your situation … Being looked with disappointing eyes is really painful especially if it’s from your beloved ones … Drowning in regrets and people always bringing up abt the past … I’m having the same situation as u do now and I’m trying to survive as u do. I advise u not to think how people think of u … Everybody makes mistakes and we don’t need to torture ourselves with sth from the past … As long as we learn from the experiences, we r doing the best. So 1. Don’t give a shit abt other people’s opinion abt u (u r living your life ) 2. Forgive yourself
3. Be proud ( u have experiences and u learn from them … Now u r strong … I think it’s great)
PS: I really like to read your “study” posts and all the advise from comments ( really open my eyes )
LikeLike
Thank you for the encouragement. I also wish you all the best. This is the hardest time for me since the time I was born 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sorry you have to go through that. I went through something similar I ended up dropping out of college and just worked to pay off whatever school loans I had. It was a tough time in life. I really disappointed my parents. Lot of yelling and such involved. It took a good four years before it returned to somewhat normal. I hope you have support around you. You have us readers as support if you need us. Sometimes the words that spilled out from your parent’s mouth might not be what they meant. Good luck with everything.
LikeLike
I don’t really have someone to talk to, because it’s shameful and everyone is having a fun vacation now. I don’t really want to spoil the mood for them, so I’m venting on the computer lol.
Wow it took four years? I hope I can survive that long with all of this. Today I just went to work and wished I stayed at work, not having to come back.
LikeLike
It was four long years lot of crying and depression. Not sure how it works for you over there. I went to work a retail job for a couple of years and used that customer service experience and got a job at a state health insurance. Now I am currently working as an assistant for behavior health clinicians and I get a decent pay for what I do and for not having a degree. I guess what I am trying to say is even though the starting path might be harder with hard work and determination, you will get somewhere. If you want someone to chit chat with feel free to drop me an email 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks a lot. I will drop an email if I want to talk with someone. I feel more at ease talking to a stranger than to a friend 🙂
LikeLike
Sometimes talking stranger is easier
LikeLiked by 1 person
As an old lady who enjoy your translation, I believe that some people may not know how to express themselves. Sometime, they use harsh words to hide their vulnerability or worried. I wish things will go well.
LikeLike
My father is someone like that. I’m his first child and the one he loves the most. Sometimes I think he loves me more than my mother. Everything I wanted as long as it’s reasonable, he’ll give it to me. As long as I wanted to eat something, he’ll cook it for me. But he just isn’t the talking type. No hugs, no kisses, no being affectionate. We are like strangers living together but who cares about each other. I sometimes resent him for not being a good father and for not giving me the support I needed when I was young. He was working full time. When I woke up to get to school, he has gone to work. When he came back from work, I was already asleep. Fortunately, our relationship turned for the better these past year when he stopped working so much and we saw each other more. But now this happened and our bond is now at it’s lowest point. I don’t know how to face him or even talk to him anymore without feeling the guilt, regret and helplessness.
LikeLike
I have no worthwhile advices, but sending you positive energy so you can fight through this difficult period of time.
LikeLike
thank you
LikeLike
I come from a culture where parents are pretty similar to yours, so never would i ask you to disrespect them but do politely suggest to them that atleast, you don’t do drugs, you didn’t run away from home and you’re not exactly a brainless idiot;yes you made a mistake and yes you have to pay for it;but you will forever remain in a low end job without a degree.Along with giving the parents a pep talk, give yourself an ultimatum.Either study a few hours every day for a year or no play,no shopping,no novels,no nothing.This might well be your last try,DO NOT waste this opportunity.If you haven’t studied your allotted hours in a day or for the week, you DO NOT get to have fun! period! Ask your mum to police your schedule,ask her to question you daily over your studies or weekly if daily is too much.But regular policing by the parents is a must,trust me i’ve been there.And if the parents don’t co-operate be your own judge and jury,but get yourself through this year.
LikeLike
I was planning on that, but not with my parents since they don’t know the language and won’t be able to see if I did or didn’t do my homework. I was planning on seeking help from school. Someone who will help me stay focused on my study cause I have concentration problems. I can’t concentrate on a subject for even an hour before I go do other things
LikeLike
I too wish you all the very best in your future and also sending you positive energy like Grenn. You are on a rocky path right now but there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
LikeLike
Thank you. I hope that light come soon
LikeLike
Hi, I’m a new reader and fan of your translations, stumbling upon this post
I just wanna tell you that it might be heard now, but to never forget the people that support you.
I’m kinda in a same situation, I’ve changed many studies because either it didn’t fit me or either I just didn’t pass my internship to the point I was forced to stop by college.
At home there wasn’t really any support and comfort for my studies because they never raelly botehred themselves with it, even telling me that if i really couldn’t study anymore, i should just work because they’re wasting the money…
Though it may soundharsh, i know they still care and are trying to knock some sense in me.
I hope you’re not too discouraged by what your father said, everything is different, especially because you’re probably not in China? so the studying is already completely different and the generation before us, they didn’t had to study like we do, each day we need to know more and more because the knowledge is growing everytime.
I hope you can find something suited for you and try not to think i you can get a job with it or if its suited for your parents or anything, try to find something you like 😉 (this is coming from someone that still doesn’t know if what she does is the right study)
Cheer up, it might be very hard now, but once you have your goal again, it’ll be better 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, I feel for you. When I was still in school, my dad is always on my case (well, it’s the same even now) so even if I’m more of a home buddy I choose to go out and stay longer outside than our house just so I don’t hear ’em preaching.
You know, I actually admire you coz’ at even if you are regretting somethings at least you are getting a move on to amend it. Better movin’ than doing nothing, ye. 🙂 I wish you all the best!
LikeLike
aaah i get that, i sometimes do that too but i really am a couchpotato or more like pc potato? haha i can’t leave my pc xD i’m really an inside person, not really going out and all xD
well it’s hard, i have cried many many times because tehre wasn’t really a person i could share my feelings with because no one really understood because they never had been in such a situation, in the end i found a fellow student who went hrough the same things and we kinda got closer 😀
thank you! i wish you the ebst to!!
Add oil!! 😀
LikeLike
I’m also addicted to my pc :(. Really need to kick that off.
LikeLike
hard to haha xDD i’m not even addicted, i think i’m obsessed with it, tho its msotly because i jsut need internet and am used to use it on a pc instead on a tablet or phone haha xD
LikeLike
yes, i know. There are so many things to use a pc on now. It’s just part of our lives, but I tebd to use it more for watching tv and listening to books
LikeLike
I wonder if perhaps you might have add or adhd? and honestly, being so unmotivated for so long sounds like depression to me. Then again, what do I know, I’m just an internet person.
Anyways, I actually knew someone who was like that. He failed and couldn’t afford school since he was a scholarship student and well… things went south pretty fast for him. Well, it’s worked out, so far I suppose. Things got bad enough the school decided to strike his records for the last year and a half and let him start anew as if nothing happened.
It’s always darkest before the dawn, perhaps?
Well, anyways, so long as you keep going at it, things will get better.
Dunno if you have ADD or ADHD, but I assume some of the ways they learn to manage things without meds could be useful. One thing is as you suggested, having someone to make sure you are on track. Give yourself milestones you absolutely have to hit before you can run off and have some fun or something. Get a gigantic calendar and fill it with what you need to do. If need be, get a smaller more detailed calendar or use google docs or something to help you do what you need to. Write notes to yourself if need be, set up reminders for certain tasks.
For example, must study 15 minutes for x, y, and z before taking a 10-15 minute break (during which maybe a walk would be good). Project due in 2 weeks, spend 30-50 minutes (up to you and depending on the project) working on your project before dinner and another 30-50 minutes after every day until project deadline. (Or y’know, 30 minutes, 10 minute break, 30 minutes, 20 minute break, 30 minutes, 10 minute break, 30 minutes, 20 minute break.
Basically, one of the more effective methods of studying is to break it up and give yourself time to digest and relax your mind so you can absorb knowledge better.
Figure out how and where you study best. Are you the type that can’t actually focus with music on? Don’t play music. Are you the type that needs some background noise or something like a cafe or library to get things done? Go to a cafe or library to work on your stuff. Make sure things that distract you in a bad way aren’t around you when studying.
Also, without proper breaks, you’ll just get worn out. Have a rest day or something. Treat yourself if you’ve done really well for a week or something. Like head out and get some ice cream, or watch some extra tv, or nap. Stuff like that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know if I’ve ADHD/ADD or not, but I know I’m at the first stage of depression. I really need to go search for help but I kept saying tomorrow, tomorrow and so on. I finally made a call to the doctor for an appointment after reading your post.
I can’t study without music. It’s so silent then. When I study, I have the music loudly on. The problem for me is I can’t study long hours before I got distracted with something. I think your idea my be a good change for me. Study half hour and then take a break and so on,
LikeLike
Yeah, the break up + long period with little motivation just sounded like depression to me, and well, if that’s the root cause, knowing it would probably help. I’m not too familiar with how to deal with depression really, because when I had it, I just tried to tough it out (grades during that period tell me that I failed miserably). Also, if that’s not dealt with, it could be a problem that rears its ugly head again. At least if that’s the cause, you can find ways to reduce the damage.
Ah, yeah, sometimes people need to have multiple things to going on in order to actually focus well enough on one thing. As for me… I don’t think I could stand absolute silence unless there was something I was very immediately interested in.
See, the thing is, most people can’t. Nonstop studying is actually a waste of effort, usually. It’s just too hard for people to focus for such a long period of time, and kind of ridiculous too. Your brain would easily get tired and studying will become much harder to do when you hate its guts and have to be stuck with it for hours and hours every day. I’d recommend looking up some good studying/learning habits to try to aim for. Also, brain food is good too. Basically, since you’re making your brain work out, feed it too so it’ll have the energy to keep going 😛
Muscle building is more effective if you’re intaking more proteins to build that muscle, and studying/increasing your knowledge is more effective if you make sure your brain has everything it needs to get going.
At my job, to promote efficiency, it’s highly encouraged that we take a 10 minute break every 50 minutes (desk/computer jobs) to take a walk and get back some of that energy and focus. I figure it ought to be the same for studying, at the very least. Also, exercise. It’s pretty good for the brain and the mood, or so I hear. Taking some nice walks out in the sun and taking in some of that nature is a great mood booster or so I hear. It also helps get that blood going and boosts memory somewhat and well, keeps you healthy too.
I’m not saying go run marathons or start working out daily at the gym for an hour, though. Just a bit of light exercise, especially when starting out is good. I’m thinking something like half an hour walks, more than once a day, or of course, break that down into a few shorter walks? Assuming the area is good enough for such a thing of course. Basically a little something for physical and mental health would be useful.
Some days I really think I should learn to take my own advice. Tomorrow maybe? :p
LikeLiked by 1 person
sometimes it is hard to have a heartfelt conversation with parents but do think positively
LikeLike
I do want to have a heart to heart talk with them, but I don’t know why it always end with lots of screaming at each other.
LikeLike
I read this post earlier and then had to think over an answer for a while. As an older person who is a parent, I know that sometimes when I am most frightened for my children is when I am the harshest. All parents can do is try to prepare their children for the big world and if we are worried about them, if we are thinking that they might fail because we haven’t taught them well enough, there isn’t much more that we can do and it scares parents. It sounds like you are taking some steps with your advisors to make use of what classes/skills you have and then you’ll be able to show your parents that you are working towards a goal with a plan. Step by step show what you are doing, where you made your mistakes and how you will correct them and I think you will slowly win them over. Fear makes us say and do things in the heat of the moment and showing that you are bravely facing the future and making good choices can only make the situation (and your feelings) better. Take your time and best wishes for your future choices – Excelsior!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m a college student myself, so I know the pressure of failure all on you. It’s hard to concentrate when you’re expected to deal with so much transitioning to a young adult (love, sex, identity, friendships, being responsible) and there are bound to be fuckups. Not to mention, Asian parents are super strict on education and grades (a vestigial effect from the Civil Service Exams in China, and if your parents are immigrants, it’s even more embedded in their heads that education is the only way up in life. And in many cases it is, well, at least where I’m from, in the US. You can’t go anywhere without a degree anymore), so it’s even harder to bring yourself up when your grades are down and there’s not much support coming from home.
Um, my advice, from too many experiences of mistakes: Don’t let them drag you down. Once they do, and you fall into that hole of despair, you won’t want to try any of your options, and things will just get worse. So chin up. When you’re at the lowest point in your life, there’s not much further you can fall. Education is the key to moving up the social ladder, and should never be given up just because you failed and made mistakes a couple of times. And it’s good that you’re willing to keep going forwards with your schooling.
And little protip though. I know you have friends and everything and might be a social butterfly, but if if your friends ask you to hang out and you’ve got to study, STUDY. They want you there to enrich their lives, but be selfish. Think about yourself. You gotta focus on yourself and build your future and your life together before you can enjoy it with another. You are the only one able to truly look out for yourself, not your friends or other people. Your choices are your own. So decide what is most important to you, and pursue it.
(Crap, some of my ‘individualism’ thingy might have come out, and that might have sounded a little aggressive. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way, I just don’t want someone as awesome as you, who does translations for us for free, to suffer. Be happy~ Sending positive energy and good wishes for you!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I realized that I’m swayed a lot. Although I don’t drink or do drugs, but when someone ask me to go out, usually they can sway me very easily. The worst part is that they go out and get good grades while I go out and get bad grades :(. Kind of jealous of their ability to learn quickly.
LikeLike
I think the hardest part of schooling is staying. As you grow older (I’m 32) life interrupts and you barely have anytime for yourself. With a husband, two kids and a full time job. I actually miss going to school. I put college on hold because people in my life needed me. Now, I’m asking myself when is my turn and if I should go back (I wanted to become a lawyer). So I think you need to focus on what you really want and be selfish. Because that’s where the motivation will come from.
A lot of people here might disagree with me and think I’ve giving you a heartless advice (forgive me) but the best advice I got from my boss(!) was, “Be selfish and take care of yourself first, before thinking of taking care of others.” However may you interpret this is up to you, but to me I finally realized what it meant and now I’m trying to live life without regrets, which is not as easy as people say it. You are obviously intelligent and a good person, search for that confidence within and follow your dreams. We are never too old to aspire like children do 🙂 Good luck!
LikeLike
When we moved here, I was the like the tree for the family. They didn’t speak the language and because I’m the eldest, I did everything. Now that everything is calmer, but it’s now so embedded in me. If something goes wrong, I’ll go fix it. It’s so much that even when a bulb doesn’t work anymore, I’ll go up and fix it, instead of asking my little bro who is much taller to fix it. Now it’s very hard for me to open my mouth and ask for help, because I’m so used at being independent and the ‘strong’ one.
I do got to take care of myself first before taking care of my family. I’m in a mess now.
I hope you still can be a lawyer, if that’s still your dream.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You should be sleeping 🙂 but to comment on your reply, my family (parents and siblings) were exactly the same as yours. I was the mover and shaker and it seemed like they couldn’t do anything unless I did it for them. So when I decided to stop being that person they relied on, it looked like they manage without me just fine. The harsh thing about life is, time doesn’t wait. You may be thinking you’re doing what you think is best for them but actually you’re only creating a habit, a habit that will eventually consume your whole being and next thing you know it, time has passed you by. It seems like you know what to do but afraid of that first leap, which is the hard to do. Rest assure the first leap will set you free. Hang in there, these things happen Bc “it” knows you can handle it 🙂
And thank you for all the translations they keep my sanity when I’m still awake at night lol!
LikeLike