While anxiously waiting for the final results, I got into another quarrel with my parents.

They say it’s alteady been four years and I did nothing in those four years. If I know how much money someone could make in four years. Of course I know that but it’s not like I wanted it to happen.

The worst part is that my father always blame my mother for every f*** bad thing that happens. Why she didn’t watch over us better and why she let us do this and that. She also works full tume, so it’s not like she can do anything about us. I really wanted to tell him that he is wrong too. But of course I didn’t dare.

And he always bring back my ‘bad’ past. Like how I party too much and go out too much. I don’t think I party too much. 2 or 3 times a year. I do go out to dinner or shopping once or twice a month. He thinks that I just need to study. He also brought back my last relationship with that bastard who deceived 4000 from me. The things he say about that are so ugly to the ears.

I can’t say anything back because I’m at wrong. I didn’t study cause my motivation was gone. In fact for the past half year, after I broke up, I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t go out, didn’t go meet with friends and didn’t even want to get out of my bed. I lost myself. After I got back on my toes, I studied like crazy, but still didn’t make it.

He said he didn’t see any remorse in me. I don’t know how to show remorse. How do you show it? Everyday waiting for the final result felt like hell. I want that day to come but at the same time I hope that day will never come. I feel regret that I wasted so much time and that I didn’t do anything.

I don’t know how to let him know that I’ll do my best and I’ll change. He has that idea in his mind that I can’t change and that studying to me is just an excuse to not go working. I can’t even blame him because after four years, even I don’t believe in myself anymore.

Tomorrow I’ll have a talk with the advisers of both studies I want to do. I hope that I’m suited for one of them. I really want three years to pass quickly so I can have my degree and doesn’t need to hear anything anymore.