These past few years had been a long and tiring journey for me. I came face to face with my insecurities in 2015, the worse year of my life. An incident happened that made me realize my weak side and I had to face it the hard way.

I’ve always had insecurities and was aware of them, but I ignored them. I was able to live lively and optimistic without care. I was that bubbly and happy person. When that incident happened, I got depressed for the first time in my life. That depression lasted for eight months. I did literally nothing in those eight months. I didn’t want to go out, meet up with friends or do anything. Every day, I just lay on my bed or watched TV. I lost myself. The worst part was that I couldn’t explain to anyone what was happening to me. I also didn’t know what was happening to me. I couldn’t talk to anyone. Finally, one day, I woke up and thought that I couldn’t continue to be like this. I tried to pick myself up, but it was easier said than done. I got out of the depression, but it had a lasting effect one me. I was no longer that bubbly and happy person and I had to face my weak points.

Before depression, I was fearless and very outgoing. After the depression, I could no longer open myself up to anyone. I couldn’t do social talks or just chat with people. I became socially awkward. I tried to fix that by trying to make new friends. One way of another, after two or three times of talking with each other, I suddenly would have nothing to talk about anymore. I don’t know how I became from an extroverted person to an introverted one. It got so bad that I couldn’t give presentation anymore in front of people without having blackouts. That bothered me so much that I went to see a psychologist. She didn’t help me much. She just told me to keep trying and try to keep engaging with people. After a while, I got tired of my fake smiles and pretending that I’m interested. Even if it is tiring, I still try to engage in small talks with people but all are meaningless.

Another insecurity of mine is my accent. I came to the Netherlands when I was fifteen and got an accent when I speak Dutch. In high school, it didn’t bother me. But when I started uni, I began to hate that accent because it makes me feel inferior. I also hate it that sometimes when I speak Dutch to people they automatically talk back in English to me. I want to roll my eyes then and ask whether I speak Dutch so badly that they can’t understand. Every time that happens, it made me want to talk less and less. Perhaps, this also contributed to me becoming socially awkward. I had tried to lose the accent but it’s impossible for me. I noticed that people who can sing can partly lose their accent. Since, I’m tone deaf, I think it’s a lost case for me. I got this from my father. He is also tone deaf and can’t speak any other language than Chinese. My mother is the one who can sing well and learn language fast. She can speak almost every language that she learned like a native. Unfortunately, I and my brother didn’t inherit that from her.

As most women, I also have insecurities about my body. The thing I don’t like about my body the most is my almost non-existent boobs. This had bothered me ever since forever. When I look at my cousins with a C and D cup (which is very big for Asians and they are not overweight, the one with a C is even underweight I think) and then I look at mine, I felt that God is really unfair. My mother also got a C cup. It seemed that I am the only one in the family who didn’t get the good genes. I used to desire a surgery but recently I seemed to have come in terms with them. I still wish for bigger ones, but I wouldn’t be bothered too much if they stay the same now.

Another thing that I don’t like about myself is my height (152cm). You can imagine how I feel between the tallest people in the world. Sometimes, I feel that because of my height and look (babyface) people don’t take me seriously. I am 25 but people still think I’m like 16 or so. I would be happy if I still look like this when I forty, but now looking too young seems to be getting in my way. However, this is the least of my problems. My biggest problem is my lack of self-confidence. I think that all my insecurities stems from my lack of confidence. I follow what others want me to do and rarely stand up for myself like today.

Today, I felt very sad because I felt so worthless again.

I had a problem with my neighbor. She always issued complains. This had been going on for more than a year already and I’m on the verge of being evicted. In the contract, it stipulates that I couldn’t cause a disturbance to the neighbors. One of her complaints was that I put uncooked food in my garden which is half-true. I only put sacks of potatoes in my garden. Today, I called the man in charge of our case. He is like the middle-man.  He told me that she had complained that I put food in my garden and that I shouldn’t do it anymore. At that moment, I agreed to not do it anymore. However, when I thought about it afterwards and with my parents scolding, it is MY Garden. Why did she have a say in what I put in my garden? This affected me badly, because it didn’t only happen once. It happened many times. I’m not quick-witted at all.

I don’t know what happens to me when I talk to people of higher superiority than me. It’s like there is a mental block. I can’t think at all and my mind is usually blank at such times. I usually come to better answers after the fact which is usually too late. It happened so often that I often get scolded by my parents for it. After getting scolded, I will usually torment myself with self-hate. I hate myself for not having inherited the quick-wittiness of my mom and the cleverness of my father. Sometimes, I think that perhaps because my mom is too quick-witted that I had become like this. She used to take care of everything and won almost every verbal battle. She took care of us so well that I became kinda useless. However, it is just a thought because my little brother who had been raised the same way is very quick-witted.

Aside from that, it’s very hard for me to say no to people and I can’t criticize people. I also hate to ask help from others. Because of this, many people take advantage me and made me do things I didn’t want to do. I think the worst is when I get scolded again. Like most Asian parents, my parents only know how to teach by scolding. However, I don’t feel like it’s working with me. When I get scolded, I feel hate for myself for being so dumb and then I began to think less of myself. The circle continues then. My school psychiatrist said that I should be more assertive. I tried, but it’s so difficult. I feel kinda like Shu Huan sometimes, but at least, she can still stand up for herself.

I’ve been thinking about when I became I like this. I think it’s when I came to the Netherlands because before, I was fearless. After we came to the Netherlands, no one spoke the language as well as me. So, I had to take care of every official matter and interpret for my parents. Because they couldn’t speak the language and sometimes, I don’t want to interpret exactly what they were saying, I got results that they didn’t want. I think perhaps my fear of speaking with someone with superiority came at that time. Now, I can’t even think anymore when speaking with someone other than my friends and family.

I have been fighting to get better, but I don’t know how. Nothing, I did helped me from going blank when speaking with someone. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. Hopefully, I’m still help-able and he can help me.

This post is just a rant, because of what had happened today. I needed something to vent my frustrations since, I can’t talk with my parents about it and my friends don’t understand the seriousness of the problem. I decided to vent myself on here because I just needed “someone” to talk to. Sometimes, I feel so alone in this world.

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